Domestic Abuse & Brainwashing

DomesticAbuseandBrainwashing-IzzoCarpelMiller-Vol1Issue5

written by

Ellie Izzo, PhD, LPC and
Vicki Carpel Miller, BSN, MS, LMFT
http://www.vicarioustrauma.com

Domestic Abuse is an umbrella term that covers different dimensions of abusive relationships: verbal, emotional, physical, and spiritual. It is important to understand and recognize the traits of an abuser as well as the traits of being in the victim position in order to transform into healthy change. Here are some of the traits of an abusive partner:

• Competitive with his/her
• Quick with comebacks or put-downs
• Controlling
• Critical
• Lack of compassion
• Extreme
• Unable to be empathic
• Has difficulty listening
• Irritable
• Hostile
• Angers easily
• Shuts Down/goes dark
• Acts like a nice person to others
• Often is involved in one or more addictions

After living with this type of personality over time, the victim begins to experience a form of brainwashing. Here are the characteristics of brainwashing:
1. Omnipotence – the abuser behaves like he/she has all the power
2. Futility of the situation – the victim Is led to believe there is no way out
3. Threats – the abuser intimidates and undermines the confidence of the victim
4. Isolation – the victim is frequently barred from having outside attachments
5. Occasional Crumb – once in a while the abuser does something nice to keep the victim believing that things are going to improve.

Here is an example of the abusive system: Bill and Mary were married for three years and were very involved in their church activities. Bill was extremely jealous if Mary wanted to do any activity outside of work or the church, and would become threatened, and would proceed to “brainwash” his wife. Let’s look at the brainwashing cycle using Bill and Mary as an example.

1. Omnipotence – Bill was an elder in the church and wielded his power as a Godlike figure. He would speak down to Mary and criticize her imperfections.
2. Futility of the situation – Bill would denigrate Mary’s looks, her lack of education, and her confidence; often saying things like, “no one would ever want you.”
3. Threats – Bill would threaten that if Mary left him, she would be damned by the congregation and banned from the church, her primary support system.
4. Isolation – Bill prohibited Mary from being away from him by tormenting her with constant calls and texts when she was away from the home.
5. Occasional Crumb – when Bill sensed that Mary was maxed out from his abusive behavior, he would switch gears and temporarily act like the partner she always wished he would be.

If any of these red flags apply to you, please remember what you deserve to experience in your relationship:

• To communicate and feel heard and respected for your thoughts and feelings
• To feel safe and acceptable just as you are
• To not suffer personal attacks.To be able to accept constructive feedback without feeling worthless.
• To receive a genuine, heartfelt apology,without caveats or conditions.
• To be with a partner who can take responsibility for his/her anger and communicate it in a constructive way that serves to bring you closer together.
• The right to say “no.”
• The freedom to grow and experience outside interests.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you will need help to debrief from the brainwashing and guidance to lead you out of the fog of conflict. Please seek the appropriate support and you will find your strength and renew your faith in yourself.

ONLINE RESOURCES FOR HELP

Emotional Abuse
www.eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Understanding Emotional Abuse
www.focusonthefamily.com/abuse 

Emotional Abuse
www.women’s health.gov/emotionalabuse

Read more about Domestic Abuse in our March Issue of Mindset
http://joom.ag/3UOX

 

 

2014 MASK Unity Luncheon

The Table settings at the Unity Luncheon.
The Table settings at the Unity Luncheon.

We had the great honor of attending the 2014 MASK Unity Luncheon “Moms Making a Difference” yesterday, March 20, 2014. MASK is a non-profit organization dedicated to educating both parents and children about the issues facing our youth and to empower children to make safe, healthy choices. We are very excited to be a part of MASK Unity Community and to help further both our missions for the community by bringing self-defense, bullying workshops, and more to the MASK community and most importantly to the youth of our community. The Luncheon proved that by working together, bringing all our skills/expertise to the table, spreading awareness, and providing resources to help educate our youth, we can truly make a difference in our community. Look for our logo and events up on the MASK Unity Community page at http://www.maskmatters.org.

MASK publisher Kimberly Cabral's daughter (and future power house/visionary) introduces her mom at the Luncheon
MASK publisher Kimberly Cabral’s daughter (and future power house/visionary) introduces her mom at the Luncheon

MASK Publishe Kimberly Cabral speaks at the Unity Luncheon at The Fairmont Princess
MASK Publisher Kimberly Cabral speaks at the Unity Luncheon at The Fairmont Princess

I Challenge You!

…to get the stats!

If you picked up a newspaper, (ok, I am over 30) errr, or googled the news, or better yet, contacted your local police department, you probably would be shocked to see the amount of crime that is going on in your neighborhoods.  My office is in Scottsdale, AZ., so that’s what I checked. I simply entered “scottsdale violent crime statistics” in the search field and here is what I found:

2010 Crime Rate Indexes Scottsdale, AZ 85260 Arizona United States
Total Crime Risk 63 143 100
Murder Risk 58 144 100
Rape Risk 32 98 100
Robbery Risk 29 102 100
Assault Risk 33 112 100
Burglary Risk 66 139 100
Larceny Risk 48 127 100
Motor Vehicle Theft Risk 96 220 100

The data for Scottsdale, AZ 85260 may also contain data for the following areas: Scottsdale

“Crime Risk Index (100 = National Average): Index score for an area is compared to the national average of 100. A score of 200 indicates twice the national average total crime risk, while 50 indicates half the national risk. We encourage you to consult with a knowledgeable local real estate agent or contact the local police department for any additional information. Crime Indexes are based on numerous current and historical datasets as well as proprietary modeling algorithms which estimate values at more granular geographic levels when specific data is either unavailable or impractical to aggregate. While every effort is made to ensure accuracy, these are estimates and should only be used as a guide. For detailed information regarding crime and safety in a community, please contact local law enforcement agencies.”

Hmmm, although I am glad that Scottsdale falls under the national average in some crimes  (which we all know is too much to begin with) I wasn’t exactly pleased with the murder risk value. Burglary and rape didn’t exactly relax me either, nor did an overall crime risk of 63 which inched up toward the national average, and this is “Scottsdale”. Look at the rest of Arizona. Not too pretty at all.

Having moved here from NYC, I was wondering what was going on in that neck of the woods.  So I picked an affluent part of town located by Lincoln Center and the Julliard School to search next. Here is what I found there, and the comparison to Scottsdale.

2010 Crime Rate Indexes Scottsdale, AZ 85260 New York, NY 10023 United States
Total Crime Risk 63 133 100
Murder Risk 58 116 100
Rape Risk 32 80 100
Robbery Risk 29 432 100
Assault Risk 33 144 100
Burglary Risk 66 57 100
Larceny Risk 48 81 100
Motor Vehicle Theft Risk 96 111 100

If you live in Scottsdale, you may at first glance, think whew! (If you live in NYC this doesn’t surprise you, unless of course you live by Lincoln Center). However, Scottsdale, ask yourself two questions:

  1. Am I comfortable with the levels of crime that does exist in Scottsdale? Let’s face it, its not zero. And..
  2. Do I travel outside of Scottsdale, or do I live in a bubble?

I bet you’ve been to Tempe, a big college town as you probably know:

2010 Crime Rate Indexes Scottsdale, AZ 85260 Tempe, AZ United States
Total Crime Risk 63 162 100
Murder Risk 58 75 100
Rape Risk 32 117 100
Robbery Risk 29 115 100
Assault Risk 33 94 100
Burglary Risk 66 119 100
Larceny Risk 48 213 100
Motor Vehicle Theft Risk 96 288 100

OMG! Look at those numbers!  I am not saying this to scare you into taking care of your own personal safety and protection. I am saying it because it is happening. By the statistics in Scottsdale, 68% of you will not have a rape go to completion, however, 32% will! If you are in Tempe, the rape statistic goes up to 117, which is higher than NYC! Think again, where would you send your kids to school and what do we need to be teaching our girls??????

I want every woman to understand that learning to protect yourself is simply a VERY GOOD THING to know.

Stay safe out there, it’s Friday night. And we all know what alcohol and partying does to people’s judgment.

~KBC

 

3/1 Scottsdale, AZ Women’s Self-Defense Workshop!!

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PREDATOR PERSONAL PROTECTION!

 This innovative Self-Defense training course is unlike any other. Real attack scenarios, real learning!

“What are you trained to do to protect yourself or a loved one in a violent attack”?

This workshop will:

Develop your skill to NOT become a victim, regardless of age or fitness level. You will learn “real world” techniques that will work on any attacker.

Build your confidence by teaching what you need to know to handle most violent situations and get home safely.

Learn to think tactically and instinctually, instead of emotionally and fearfully, to violence of threat of violence.

If you take just one step forward in personal protection, take this class.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Taught by David Bravo
4th Degree Black Belt
Personal Protection Expert
Tactical Response Trainer
Over 19 years experience.

Saturday: 3/01/2014
10:00am – 2:00pm
Price: $99
Limited Time Offer

Client Registration is limited. Call Today.
602.909.0840

Create Delicous Meals With Long Term Food Storage

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MINDSET RECOMMENDED EVENT:

  • Gear Up is pleased to host Kristi Averett as she educates, prepares and shares her recipes, techniques and culinary skills to entice the pallet utilizing long term food storage.

  • Thursday, February 13, 2014

    6:30 PM to 8:00 PM

  • Gear Up

    10953 North Frank Lloyd Wright Boulevard #108,Scottsdale, AZ (map)

For more information or to RSVP for this event, please go to: http://www.meetup.com/Self-Reliance-Preparedness/events/163539752/

or contact Gear Up directly at: 480-306-4945.

Please tell them Mindset referred you!
Thank you!

Women’s Self-Defense Workshop Offered – Scottsdale, AZ

wsd.2014editedINTRODUCING PREDATOR PERSONAL PROTECTION!

 This innovative Self-Defense training course is unlike any other. Real attack scenarios, real learning!

“What are you trained to do to protect yourself or a loved one in a violent attack”?

This workshop will:

Develop your skill to NOT become a victim, regardless of age or fitness level. You will learn “real world” techniques that will work on any attacker.

Build your confidence by teaching what you need to know to handle most violent situations and get home safely.

Learn to think tactically and instinctually, instead of emotionally and fearfully, to violence of threat of violence.

If you take just one step forward in personal protection, take this class.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Taught by David Bravo
4th Degree Black Belt
Personal Protection Expert
Tactical Response Trainer
Over 19 years experience.

Saturday: 2/08/2014
10:00am – 2:00pm
Price: $99

Client Registration is limited. Call Today.
602.909.0840